Math Jokes

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence off the largest possible area using the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said, "I declare myself to be on the outside."

Match these up.

1. What the acorn said when it grew up a. bisects
2. A dead parrot b. center
3. What you should do when it rains c. hypotenuse
4. A geometer who has been to the beach d. coincide
5. The set of cards is missing e. polygon
6. The boy has a speech defect f. secant
7. How they schedule gym class g. tangent
8. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home h. ellipse
9. The tall kettle boiling on the stove i. geometry
10. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile j. decagon

answers: 1i, 2e, 3d, 4g, 5j, 6h, 7a, 8b, 9c, 10f

Before you read this, remember that true mathemeticians never assume unproved hypotheses.

 A mathematician and her husband were driving along a country road and he said to her,
"Look dear, those sheep have been shorn."
Quite seriously she replies, "At least on one side."

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK

1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

2. Isaac Newton's birthday.

3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it. (Calculus)

4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin. (Advanced)

5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged. (Calculus)

6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.

9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. (Advanced)

10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it. (Advanced)


Theorem:
Cats have nine tails.

Proof:
No cat has eight tails.
Every cat has one more tail than no cat.
Therefore, cats have nine tails.

(Geometry required)

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Read this through again carefully :)

Homepage